We as humans are born longing for secure relationships.  Many humans long for someone to whom they are very special and who will never leave them or prefer another person.  How realistic are these expectations really and how do you know when you are wasting your time in a relationship?

Why does some people end up in committed relationships where they are love and treated with respect while others end up being used and hurt?  It also happens that some people are in a loving relationship,  but do not realize it and interpret normal events as painful or rejecting.

Perhaps it is important to know that the relationships we choose unconsciously matches our own dynamics.  This means that if you were brought up in a well functioning family, with secure relationships and a secure sense of your own worth (without over-valuing yourself) your chances of entering a relationship with another secure person is higher and the risks in the relationship are lower.  Yet, we do not live in a perfect world and therefore many people get hurt during childhood and have their share of issues and dynamics that might be more or less conscious.

The problems often start when there are underlying issues (sometimes not even that conscious).  When  your early dependency needs are not met you will have overly strong dependency needs as an adult, but the important thing to know is that some people with strong unmet dependency needs seek closeness while others with the same underlying problem (strong unmet dependency needs) may fear closeness (because for them closeness means putting yourself at risk for hurt, vulnerability and rejection).  This can then cause a very dependent person to enter a relationship with a person with the same underlying dynamic (unmet dependency needs), but a defense that is the opposite (avoidance of closeness).  Such a relationship can end up being very frustrating for the person who is in touch with their dependency longings because the other person will frustrate their needs.  Yet, the sad thing is that many such people who are in touch with their dependency needs stay with people who frustrate their needs because that is what they know (since childhood their needs have been frustrated).  They might also believe that they do not deserve more.

If you are in a relationship where the other person is abusive or devaluing it is important to not only resent your partner, but also wonder why you have (unconsciously) chosen such a relationship.  What in your internal world causes you to enter such a relationship?  For instance people who were abused (neglected or devalued) as children can become abusive adults or enter relationships where they are abused because their blue print for relationships has the theme abuser-abused.  This means that they often tend to enter relationships where someone is abused and someone is the abuser.

If you were in a very insecure relationships with your parents as a child that would have frustrated your longing for stability and security.  The theme in this relationship was then that the child was feeling insecure and frustrated and the parent acted in such a way as to place the child in the position of feeling insecure.  As adults these people tend to relate in ways where one of the partners is insecure and the other is frustrating their longings for security.  These roles sometimes reverse, for instance in one relationship you might feel needy and experience the other person as evoking insecurity.  In a next relationship you might find yourself causing the other person to feel insecure.  If you can turn the tables you can cause the other person suffering and you can be in a powerful position (the one doing the devaluing and rejecting).

Sometimes we do end up being in a relationship with someone with good intentions and who is committed, but we just can’t trust it (because of our own issues).  When your partner goes out with friends now and then or chats with someone at the gym it can evoke your fears of being rejected or replaced without any realistic threat.  The sad thing is that this can sabotage a relationship that has the potential to be a meaningful, good relationships.

What I want to make very clear is that the type of relationships you tend to find yourself in does not only say something about your partner, but also about your internal world.  We always end up in relationships with others that in some way fits with our own internal dynamics.  Why would you pursue someone who devalues you or never makes you feel secure?  The answer will be found in your childhood.   Take a good look at your relationship patterns and ask yourself why you tend to enter certain types of relationships.